So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
