I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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