she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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