girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
