2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
