Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize