Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
