Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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