I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
