Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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