She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize