so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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