I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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