Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
He better not be in your backpack
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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