I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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