as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
