Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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