I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
