I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize