I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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