I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
