We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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