who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
