I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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