Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
