Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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