The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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