I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Randomize
