i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
