I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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