I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
this hospital has no fireball
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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