dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I need moral support for this bender
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
