I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
