is your mom at the bar?
Apparently you make a good broom.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
