I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
