Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
