I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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