dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
