Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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