worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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