walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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