he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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