Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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