She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Is her dick bigger than yours?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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