At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
