The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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