Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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