they said they heard you say put it in my butt
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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