I'm really into asian looking animals
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Randomize
