I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
