I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
