Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
