i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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