Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Success! We fucked roommates!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
