I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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