He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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