umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Randomize
