I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
