How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Randomize