her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
