Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
