I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
