I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
