please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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