I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
