One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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