she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize